Oh I am an aging helmsman, in a series I did play
And I've hung around through many a syndication
Now they say I am a celebrity—conventions pay the way
But here's the real situation

I have worked for Rodenberry, I have worked for The Mouse
A Lieutenant, and a Captain, and a ghost in a Chinese house
I have flown a Klingon starship and a Huey from 'Frisco
Controls for both—kinda confusing…
  "Activating ground chase…
    {wiper sounds} swish, swish…shish, shish…
  "…that's not ground chase radar—wait a minute…"
And reading Klingon's hard, and slow

Now William, won't you listen, and please don't take it wrong…
My part's too small, and yours too long

I could have been a fencer with saber or epee,
Once I chased Jim down a corridor, but he managed to get away
If I could just have caught him, how much different would things be
Bill would still be "T.J. Hooker", and the captain would be me *

Oh people, please don't blame me if the writers got it wrong
My part too small, and Bill's too long

The big guard was a bruiser, and I swear I heard him say
"You got a problem, Tiny?"—it almost ruined my day
Our crowd came out the doorway, and he tried to block our path
But before he knew what happened, I flipped him on his ass

And I said "Don't call me Tiny, for I have been wronged—
My part's too small, and Bill's too long"

* Another ending for this verse toyed with but not recorded:
They would have called ME "Captain", and "TJ Hooker"…
   …would be Bill's only legacy